My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Randomize
