her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
