i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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