break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Randomize
