Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Randomize
