I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
