he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
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