I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
whose ass print is on the piano?
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
