No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
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