she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
