there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
