tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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