Just mADE A PArabola og urine
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
