I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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