Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
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