Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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