You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
