I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
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