Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
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