she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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