My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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