I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
