Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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