I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I am midnight drunk by noon
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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