You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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