idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
My liver is preforming stress tests.
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