Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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