I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
