you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Randomize
