if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
