WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
Randomize
