just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Randomize
