Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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