so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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