need another drink. this is the easiest way
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
