I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
