it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Randomize
