Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
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