I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
