I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Randomize
