i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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