Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
