I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
