I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
Randomize
