party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Randomize
