And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Randomize
