if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
