hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I seem to have left my pride at pride
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
