I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
