Plan B is the new Plan A
I think I died a long time ago.
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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