Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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