i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
