i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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