You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
