Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
