basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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