Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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