Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
