Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize