There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
